Margie, I read your post and I am sobbing right now...
I feel that I have lost so much since Easter, when my life and that of my family took a giant leap into the unknown.
To me, family means everything and I feel that I have failed in so many ways.
When I read your post it brought to the surface many of those feelings that I have held down inside.
I am now separated from my husband, my dear children are angry and afraid, and I am officially out of work.
I am so proud of my Beth for working so hard at school and graduating one year early.
Beth attended an alternate school for the past couple of years, as she was having difficulties at the local public high school.
The difficulties were her doing, but the new environment really helped.
Beth is a bright girl and gifted in both the Language and Fine Arts.
I feel so bad that I will not be able to afford to send her to college.
I feel so bad that I cannot afford to buy groceries.
I feel so bad that I am not working right now.
I feel so bad that I have failed my family.
So, before I go out and save the world, I will have to save myself...
Dale - I'm rushing to write this before I head out the door, but HAVE to say it has moved me to tears. You are no failure - ever. While you love and care, you are never a failure in any form. I will be back to talk properly, but for now, just ...
ReplyDeleteMWA
xxxx
Hi, just signed up to your blogsite, probably very crude and simplistic, but you know, just like me, right? lol. Your friend margie is right, you are NOT a failure, been there, done that, but not anymore, it's ok to feel but it's not ok to take on blame, everyone is responsible for their own actions. You have been thru so much in your life already; you can handle this. Remember, life is just a corduroy road and you are only just hitting a wale, it'll be velvet sooner than you realize girlfriend. You are one of the strongest people I know, you will get thru this. See you in September (Isn't there a song named that?)
ReplyDeleteLove u
Colleen
PS I'm crying too, CONGRATS Betho!
Margie - sometimes I feel I am taking one step forward and two back...
ReplyDeleteIt can be very frustrating.
Colleen! Great to see you here! I knew as soon as I read the name, it was you.
Now all you need to do is a post of your own and you'll be off and running.
Can't wait to "See You In September"... greenday
Beth is certainly something to be proud of..you both look beautiful..
ReplyDeleteDale you are not a failure, you have raised beautiful, intelligent, strong healthy children, you have sailed through stormy seas with dignity, love and humour.. DO NOT berate yourself..you are tired, and things seem bleak, but with your strength and love, you will come through the otherside..
How many would you give your self worth out of ten?
Because that's the amount of power you give to the only piece of equipment with which you can experience your life..
Gypsy - you are right...I am very tired. I sometimes feel my strength and courage flagging when I can barely keep my shoulders square.
ReplyDeleteThis is one of those times...
I do believe things happen for a reason, but often that reason does not reveal itself until the horizon is clear.
Thanks Margie, Colleen (who has seen me through rough times over the past 30 years - and I her)and Gypsy.
You are the true meaning of friends.
Dale, I am so sorry for all you are going through. I have been there and it is not fun, not in any way. You know you can call the Food Bank if you are short on groceries, and I'll come with you if you like. There is absolutey NO shame in accessing it. I had to several times when I first broke up with Mike. And the Christmas Bureau, too.
ReplyDeletePlease don't think you are a failure, because you are no such thing. You are a warm, loving and beautiful woman who just happens to walking through hell. And I will pass on to you something a friend of mine told me not so very long ago...
when you are in hell, just keep walking steady so the devil doesn't know you're there.
I rather thought it was tripe when he said this to me, but you know, in retrospect, it has merit.
I promise you will make it through this, I promise you kids will always love you, and even if they are angry right now, it is only because they are young and don't know how else to react.
You did the right thing. They will see that eventually.
xx
Stevie
Dale,
ReplyDeleteYou may be feeling these things, but deep down inside you know they aren't true. You're just going thru darkness now - before you can be in the light again. Try to keep your chin up - and send off a good aura. You need to in order to accomplish some of your short-term goals. You lost your job not because you were a failure, but because they are closing down. You have all the skills, talent and traits to get a new and even better job!
Love Lesley
I feel for you reading this post, the world is a tough enough place without you beating yourself up, why don't you look from another angle and try the words...
ReplyDelete"I feel elated that I have succeeded in bringing up such a well rounded intelligent daughter that despite her problems and school changes, she has graduated a year early"
Thats what I see it like, although you may not right now, you have already surpassed yourself int he hardest role of a lifetime - being a mum :)
Hugs** Chaz xx
Dale, Just got home and had to come back here first.
ReplyDeleteThere are some wise, loving words here. I am genuinely sorry my post brought painful things to the surface, although if those feelings were being repressed then perhaps it's no bad thing that they now demand to be acknowledged.
I love what Chaz said about perspective. You said on my post I was lucky. I am. Truly. However, if I chose to look at it another way:
Things have not been easy since I had my children. My parents separated in difficult circumstances later in life, at a time when the focus should have been on them becoming happy grandparents. I watched that separation almost destroy both of them.
I lost my mother too early. All she wanted was to see her grandchildren grow up. I am haunted by the knowledge that she didn't, and I miss her more than I can say.
My sister and my two older children have battled with forms of depression, to which they are genetically vulnerable. One has come through it after a long and heart-wrenching battle. You saw her picture. The other two are still taking the journey. At its worst, it is painful beyond belief to watch them suffer and be able to help so little. I am also inclined to bouts of blackness, during which I feel I let my family down terribly.
My marriage is not perfect. Few, if any, are.
Yet I am lucky.
You are facing challenges more difficult than any I have faced. I do not underestimate the magnitude of those challenges, but I can see, even from this distance, what you have achieved, and the strength you have. You will come through this, and your children's anger and bewilderment will gradually turn to understanding and appreciation of what you have done for them and why you have done it. Even in the meantime, they will never stop loving you.
Stevie is advising you well on the practicalities, which is great. The most important thing now is to nurture your self-esteem. Remind yourself that you are worthy of respect and admiration, and hold your head high. You're seventeen times the woman of many I know who have life served to them on a plate every day. Don't ever forget it.
So much love your way,
M x
Dearest dear Dale, the tears are in my eyes too. You have so much to cope with right now, but just hold on to your daughter's love. It's the most precious gift you can have. Tomorrow I say goodbye again to my daughter and it's breaking my heart already. All the same, her love and that of my Jo are what keep me striving to go on. Beth has graduated early because of your love and support. QED, you have not failed...you have succeeded in raising a bright, motivated and talented daughter. That is a teatament to your success in life.
ReplyDeleteStevie is right about taking help where it's available. When my girls were small, I was also in dire straits and was helped by the most wonderful people who gave me clothes, furnishings, food and friendship. Not once did they ever make me feel I had failed. All they wanted was to give me the support to push myself forwards again. I'm sure this is the same motivation behind the support groups Stevie mentions. Let them help you Dale, and don't be afraid. You have so much integrity and your children will always love you for the fine, true and beautiful soul you are.
Hugs, love and strength my friend xxxx
Dale,
ReplyDeleteMy tears are so close to the surface these days and between you and Stevie I'm a blubbering idiot.
When my first marriage failed, I felt like a failure for years. One problem, one day at a time is all you can do for a long time. Unfortunately, I know how few and far between really good jobs are in the Valley. That was one of the reasons I had to leave it when I did.
It took several years, but I gradually got my life back - one step forward and two steps back is the existential cha cha according to somebody wittier than me... I got a job (I hated), went back to school, found a better job, made sure I spent quality time with Hayley...eventually I met Randy and I do know how lucky I am.
Anyway, what I'm clumsily trying to say, along with everyone else here, is that you and your kids are going to be fine. You have each other and you are surrounded by love, whether you know it or not; you have more strength than you know and even though you may feel like one, you are not a failure....some of the same advice given to me during my dark years.
This Friday morning I say goodbye to Hayley. She's going with her dad and will be living with him and our Stevie until next summer. I know she'll be in excellent hands and she's going for all the right reasons, but my heart won't stop breaking. She's been gone before, but only for six-eight weeks during the summer. This is way outside of my experience and I'm feeling lost already...
I expect I'll be fine again, too...in time.
I lost my family - to divorce about five years ago...it was the darkest time of my life and something I thought I would never come out of. Everywhere, exhaustion, pain, sadness, feelings of great inadequacy, my house gone, my family in another country. I seemed to continually be stripping myself of everything I had worked so hard to build. My home meant everything to me, my son, my friends, job - all gone.
ReplyDeleteMy life had been out of integrity so far that a major adjustment was needed to put me back. It was very painful but the reasons that these things happened were due to that need. I am such a different person now, so much happier, balanced and although I still don't have the things I used to, my son, family and I are closer than ever and I don't mind the rest anymore.
I used to think, wow, I wouldn't wish this on anyone, and I don't. The amazing state of personal grace one has to obtain is not easy, the road is painful and it takes a strong person to pull it off. You will pull it off and be the stronger for it in the end. Make sure you reach out to those who will be there for you, as it is obvious that you have touched many in the blog world by your humor, great sense of beauty and strong spirit!
Dale,
ReplyDeleteI read your post and all the beautiful comments made by our little group of blogger friends, and I am fining tears rolling down my face at all the hardship and sadness that we have all gone through individually.
My first marriage ended in divorce too, and my husband left instead of dealing with his depression, leaving me saddled with a mortgage and so many debts all by myself. Luckily, no children were involved to get angry with me, but I felt so alone and gutted by the experience. Time has a way of mending all wounds, and my healing began when I met Austin.
You are absolutely not a failure, and your beautiful daughter's success is just one of the many testaments to that. I am the child of an adult divorce (I was 21 when my mum decided she'd had enough and just walked out) and I was angry then too. It will pass, and you and your children will be fine.
Remember, it is always darkest before the dawn, and I do believe with all my heart that you will see the sun again. In the meantime, don't be afraid to ask for help, to take the time to heal and be kind to yourself, and remember that there are many people, both here and in other parts of your life, you genuinely love and care for you and will be there for you.
Lots of love sent across the vastness of time and space,
Anne-Marie
Dale,
ReplyDeleteI did not know things were not well for you. I am so sorry, and am hoping that the night lifts quickly to dawn. Your daughter and her accomplishments are beautiful. You look wonderful as well. I wish you all the best, the very best.
::Hugs::
~Lace~
Dale, everyone here has said such encouraging words from experience..hold on to this, because you, like everyone here will come out of it stronger, wiser and happier..(even though it doesn't feel like it now)..trust me you will..
ReplyDeleteI raised Chantal by myself since she was five..I always had financial support but it was hard being a single parent, we clashed a lot, true, but we were also that much closer..I wouldn't change a thing about it now...
I am (almost) speechless in face of such wisdom and support.
ReplyDeleteBefore I go on, I want to let you all know how much I appreciate everything you have said.
I will hark to such sage advice.
Margie - please don't feel bad about my reaction to your post. Rather, I thank you. I know there is no such thing as a "perfect" relationship and we all have our own challenges to face and obstacles to overcome. That's what makes us who we are.
Steph - I took that step yesterday and went to the food bank. I had no idea how much it would affect me emotionally. I almost turned around and left as I waited at the door, but I thought of my children and did otherwise. It was difficult to hold back the tears while I waited, but I came through...and out...with 3 boxes and one bag full of groceries. It was an odd feeling...
I thank goodness my next stop was to see my counsellor.
Thank you for making me feel less like a loser and more like a person.
Lesley - I do know that deep inside I am not a failure, but in my situation, I can't help but feel that way. I am in the waiting process as far as my short-term goals are concerned and still waiting to hear from two potential employers. Everything crossed...
Chantal - you are right about looking on the bright side. I tend to do that all the time - it's in my nature. Therefore, I feel that I might deserve a tiny bit of self pity...but only a moment, mind. ;)
Val - your words of encouragement mean a lot to me. I know you've seen hard times and look at you now! You are an inspiration to me.
And I know my children will always love me - and it hurts me when they appear not to feel that way - being in the fragile state of mind that I am.
Rachel - I remember when you left to go back to Iowa. It was sad to see you go and I was also quite surprised to discover that you and Ian had gone your separate ways. You and I had some good times together. You had to do what you had to do and it must have taken a great amount of courage to move away. Even if it was to go back to family.
String - it makes me feel not so quite alone to know that others have been where I am, and have come out well and in one piece at the other end. I have to remind myself often that I am not the only one who has (or will) gone through this. I tend to be a perfectionist and that can put added pressure on myself. I am learning to slowly let go.
Anne-Marie - another one who has been through the pain of divorce. Even though no children are involve, there can be no less grief.
Gypsy - I was single when I went through my pregnancy with Beth and she was three when I met George. I know that being a single parent is not easy, but will not hesitate to tackle it again.
Lace - thanks for visiting. It's good that not everyone knows! Although, I do appreciate your kind words and thoughts.
I've often asked myself how I ended up where I am and the answer is always the same.
Choices.
Mum and Dad are delighted that we will be spending Thanksgiving together in BC. I look forward to being able to give you a real hug then. In the time being - here is a cyber hug.
ReplyDelete((((((((Dale))))))))
Holy smokes, Dale! Hi. Oh boy.
ReplyDeleteWell, there's not much I can say that others haven't already. Just know that my dark times come & go as will yours - feeling like a failure, feeling lost, feeling stupid and beating self for poor choices.
But also knowing none of those things have to be true and most are not. Knowing that out of those choices ... YES, there is reason and those eventually become clear. There are days when I wonder how to cope from one minute to the next with the children and their incredible challenges/needs.
Like you, I worked my entire life, am a giving/loving person (as are YOU!) and have now come upon a time when I need some help back. I still have embarrassment about living with government assistance (food, medical) as well as my continued failure to use spell check.
:oD lol gotta laugh or go bust, hon! :o) :o) :o)
Just as you said and know in your heart ... primary is making sure you have what you need in order to give those kids what they need.
My children have never had a vacation in their lives (youngest is 8!) This past month, we came to stay with family far away, leaving most everything behind including their dad. They have had a wonderful time - doing things they've never done and meeting family they've never met. It looks like we're going to stay for some time.
It's a time in their dad's life when he is going to have hit rock bottom before he can move forward. Our priority now is US. Health: physical, emotional, spiritual. All suffered within a very unhealthy relationship and environment. In a much shorter time than anticipated or barely imagined .. the children are processing it all well and are adjusting okay. They have a sense of freedom that is palpable. Because they feel safe.
You can do this. You seem to be an incredibly loving, sensitive, and YES --- STRONG woman.
I admire you. Very much.
::HUGGING YOU LIKE CRAZY:::;
xo Tink
p.s. You and Beth are breathtaking. Beautiful women, making a beautiful life and life beautiful - just by being. Is that cool or what?
ReplyDelete;o)
xo
Thank you, Tink.
ReplyDeleteKindred spirits...
Love and hugs back to you from me.
Dear Dale,
ReplyDeleteYou have NOT failed. As others have said, you love and care and have done your best!